PHP: PDO prepare() causing halt in script - php

Question

I am working on a simple database helper for part of a test site. I want to be able to access a database by simply doing:
require_once 'include/database_system.php'
...
$row = DB_query("SELECT userID FROM users WHERE username = :username",
array(':username' => $ourUsername));
So I've written up a little script to do so:
<?php
session_start();
$username = "xxxx";
$password = "xxxx";
$host = "localhost";
$dbname = "xxxx";
$dboptions = array(PDO::MYSQL_ATTR_INIT_COMMAND => 'SET NAMES utf8');
try
{
$db = new PDO("mysql:host=$host;dbname=$dbname", $username, $password);
var_dump($db);
}
catch(PDOException $ex)
{
die("MySQL: Failed to connect to API Testing Database");
}
$db->setAttribute(PDO::ATTR_ERRMODE, PDO::ERRMODE_EXCEPTION);
$db->setAttribute(PDO::ATTR_DEFAULT_FETCH_MODE, PDO::FETCH_ASSOC);
$db->setAttribute(PDO::ATTR_EMULATE_PREPARES, false);
var_dump($db);
// break magic quotes
if(function_exists('get_magic_quotes_gpc') && get_magic_quotes_gpc())
{
function break_magic_quotes(&$array)
{
foreach($array as &$value)
{
if(is_array($value))
{
break_magic_quotes($value);
}
else
{
$value = stripslashes($value);
}
}
}
break_magic_quotes($_POST);
break_magic_quotes($_GET);
break_magic_quotes($_COOKIE);
}
header('Content-Type: text/html; charset=utf-8');
function DB_query($query, $queryArgs)
{
global $db;
echo 'TRYING TO QUERY SERVER ';
var_dump($query);
var_dump($queryArgs);
var_dump($db);
try
{
echo 'PREPARE ';
$stmt = $db->prepare($query);
echo 'EXECUTE ';
$result = $stmt->execute($queryArgs);
}
catch(PDOException $ex)
{
echo "QUERY FAILED: $query";
die("Query failed: " . $query);
return;
}
echo 'SERVER QUERY OK';
return $stmt->fetch();
}
So naturally, I'm working on a bit of form action code for the login page, by doing:
require_once 'database.php'
....
$row = DB_query("SELECT * FROM users WHERE username = :username",
array(':username' => $_POST['u']) );
The output is not very conclusive at all. Not only does it fail to get past the $db->prepare() statement, but it doesn't even look like the PDO is valid.
object(PDO)#1 (0) { } object(PDO)#1 (0) { } TRYING TO LOGINobject(PDO)#1 (0) { } TRYING TO QUERY SERVER string(46) "SELECT * FROM users WHERE username = :username" array(1) { [":username"]=> string(4) "derp" } NULL PREPARE
I don't know why it would be doing any of this. I have checked the PHP settings and it looks like PDO is properly turned on. I have checked everything up and down and I haven't been able to get anywhere. If anyone has any insight, that would be great.